Dating again – How to get back in the saddle after being married to a horse’s ass…

If you’ve been married for a while and then find yourself on the singles scene again, it can seem intimidating as hell. I have several friends currently in the newly single category, and they’re all at various stages of wading back into the dating pool. Most are too shy or uncomfortable or whatever to just dive right in. For some reason, women seem to create a lot of drama for themselves when it comes to first dates. Is the guy the right guy? What if he thinks I have too much baggage? What if I’m not ready for a “relationship?” Blah, blah, blah. Come on! It’s just a date – he’s not going to propose right off the bat. You’re just seeing if you two have anything in common – stop making it such a big deal.

So, to all the newbie daters I know, and everyone else for that matter, let me share a little secret. Dating can be easy. And it’s loads of fun! When I reached the point when I was ready to stop moping around and start meeting new people, I decided that I was going to do it up right. If a guy asked me out, even if he wasn’t my usual type (and barring any obvious red flags not to), I said yes. Absolutely. No question. Didn’t hesitate – didn’t waver. I looked at it like this -  my man-picker MUST have been broken, as evidenced by the hot mess my previous marriage turned out to be. I reasoned that since my man-picker was dysfunctional, and since  all those guys who I would normally say no to on first glance did NOT fall into my man-picking category of keepers, one of THEM just might be the right guy for me. So I gave it a shot. And not only did I say yes if I was asked out – I asked guys out too. I did the whole online dating thing, I met people through friends, I met people at work, whatever. I dated guys from 23 years old to 50. I dated scientists, soldiers, students, and everyone in between. My theory was that as long as I didn’t play games or string people along, the worst that could happen was that I’d end up realizing that a guy wasn’t the right one for me and I’d move on. And you know what? My theory was right. I met some really great guys, who, despite not being the “one”, have ended up being pretty damn good friends. And I had a BLAST! More fun than I’d had in years. I wouldn’t trade any of those dates for the world, and I’ll tell you why. By actually taking the time to date a variety of men, I learned what it was that I wanted in a guy by pinpointing exactly what I didn’t want.  I’d have never figured that out sitting at home watching The Biggest Loser, you know. And when I finally figured it out, I did meet the “one”(but that’s another blog entirely)!

My point is that once you get through the hard stuff and you start thinking that maybe you’re ready for the next chapter, don’t look. Just jump in!And remember – it’s JUST A DATE. Have fun…you deserve it! And let me know how it’s going!

Should I Stay Or Should I Go Now…

Every person who’s had some catastrophic event within their relationship will face this question at some point. There is no easy answer. I have several friends in the midst of this very issue, and I myself have been through it. Trust me when I say that nothing about it is cut and dried. It’s easy when you’re single or when you’ve not been through something like this to say “If my partner ever did xyz to me, I’d be out the door.” I used to say that myself. Bullshit. No you wouldn’t, because it’s just not that easy. When you find out someone that you have entrusted your whole life with has betrayed you, whether it’s through infidelity, gambling, violence, or whatever, the earth stops. When it starts moving again, nothing feels real to you – you feel like you’re moving through water. Eventually, you do finally regain your footing enough to realize that you have to take action of some kind.  And if you think finding out horrible things about your significant other is hard, try deciding what you’re supposed to do about it. It took me months and months of soul-searching, flip-flopping back and forth, and good old-fashioned heartache before I was truly able to walk away from my marriage.

First of all, you still love this person, despite everything. Even after I knew without a doubt that my ex and I had no chance of fixing things, I still cared about him. That’s not something you can just turn on and off - if you could, none of this would be that hard to handle. On top of that, your whole life is wrapped up with theirs – literally. Depending on how long you’ve been together, there could be children, a mortgage, investments, and who knows what else. Everything that you have tied together now has to be unravelled. Believe me when I say that the unravelling can be quite a task – it took me nearly a year and a half to get everything separated, and still things pop up from time to time that I didn’t get to, like my phone bill that’s still in my ex’s name. Then there’s the sometimes overwhelming amount of advice from well-meaning relatives and friends on what you should or shouldn’t do, how you should do it, and why. Some of this advice is sound, some of it not so much, because while most people are just trying to be helpful, there are those that have their own agendas. Maybe your Aunt Margaret never liked your mate to begin with, or the neighbor across the street has had a crush on him and wants her shot at him. It’s up to you to figure out who’s who. Factor in the fear of the unknown, and of having to start over again, and the decision you’re faced with is terrifying.

If you do find yourself in this kind of situation, there are several things you have to take into consideration before making any kind of changes. First of all, have you given yourself enough time to make a rational decision? When you life goes to hell in a handbasket, it’s easy to make snap judgements that you could end up regretting later. I was lucky in this regard (if you want to call it that) – my ex was deployed with the military when I found out about his infidelities, so I had time to think things through without having to deal with him directly at first. It gave me time to clear my head and use common sense instead of making judgements fueled by pain and anger.

Another consideration is your partner. I don’t mean that you should make your choice based on what they want. What I mean is that you need to take a look at how they are handling themselves now that they’ve been caught in whatever mess they’ve created. Are they truly regretful, or are they just sorry they got caught? Do they really fear losing you, or the security you represent? For that matter, you need to ask that question of yourself, too. My ex said what I wanted to hear, but continued on with business as usual with the other women in his life. It eventually became clear to me that he didn’t want to change his behavior – he just depended on me to keep things running smoothly and didn’t want that to change either. On the flip side, I have friends whose husbands have bent over backwards doing anything and everything their wives asked of them in an effort to rebuild what they had torn apart. You really just have to watch and see what he or she does after the ax falls.

If there are children involved, you have to plan properly so that minimal damage is done to them in this whole process. That applies whether you stay or go. If you’re angry and bitter but decide to stay “for the children”, don’t think that won’t tear them apart. It will. And if the relationship is not so damaged that it can’t be fixed, but you decide to leave too hastily, they’ll know that too. As much as you might want to be, you can’t be selfish now – those children are innocent bystanders in something they have even less control over than you do, and they depend on you as their parent to protect them in the best way you can. It’s important that whatever environment they end up in is one they can grow, flourish and be happy in, and you’re the only one that has to figure out which environment is best for that.

And as cold as it may seem, there’s also the financial aspect. No, you shouldn’t stay with someone for money. But you should use caution if you do decide that things can’t be repaired between the two of you. Make sure that you’re financially able to care for yourself and your children if you have them, and make sure that you can’t be taken advantage of financially by your mate. Plenty of people have left in anger, only to discover that they could not afford to be on their own. And plenty of other people have not been vigilant enough about the dollars and cents while they were trying to make a decision, only to find that their significant other made that decision for them and took all the cash in the process.

The bottom line is that, while there is a ton of emotion you have to deal with in this kind of situation, you need to be circumspect and make sure none of your choices are made on a purely emotional level. Reason things out, use common sense, take all the information you have about past and present behavior into account, and try to make a sane, reasonable decision based on what you want and need, and what you can live with. You may also want to go and see a counselor or therapist (or a trusted friend, if you’re not comfortable with professional help) who can help you wade through the immense amount of garbage that’s been thrown your way, so that you can get on with your life, one way or another. Unfortunately, as the saying goes, the only way out is through – but you CAN get through this, you CAN choose the path that’s right for you, and you CAN be happy again. Just be smart about it.

When the Magic Mirror is Shattered

Everybody lies sometimes. It’s a fact. We lie to each other and we lie to ourselves. Oftentimes, those lies are the little white variety – “no, you don’t look fat!” or “the dog ate my homework.” But sometimes the lies are the earth-shattering kind.  When someone you trust with your heart deceives you, everything in your world shifts. It doesn’t matter if that person is your significant other, a family member, or a friend. Afterward, nothing is what you thought it was and you begin to question everything.

When I caught my ex-husband cheating on me, my entire life was suddenly laced with doubt. Everything I ever thought to be true was now a potential lie. We had been together for over 20 years, since our early teens, and had been married for a decade at that point. Suddenly, my entire adult life came into question. Had he ever loved me? Had he been cheating the whole time? Did I mean anything at all to him? As far as I could tell, my whole life was a farce, and he’d likely been making a fool of me from the beginning. Whether or not that was really how things were, I’ll never know. He could have been absolutely faithful until then. He could have been jumping in the sack with a different woman every week. No way for me to tell, and no way for me to believe him. For months after, I felt like I was skating very close to the edge of insanity – what I thought was up was actually down, and what I thought was true was suddenly false. I kept asking myself and my then-husband why. Why would he do that to me? Why wasn’t I enough for him? Why couldn’t he be the man I thought he was? Why did he rip my heart to shreds and throw it in my face? The pain that I felt went way beyond heartbreak. My whole body physically hurt from it. I felt like I’d been hit by a Mack truck – I ached all over and that pain never seemed to stop.

It’s very hard to move out of such a hurtful, angry, devestated place. But eventually you do. You don’t really notice at first. First you begin to feel numb. Then slowly, the business of daily life begins to creep back in and the lie is not the ONLY thought you can focus on. When the hurt and anger finally start to fade, your first instict is to squeeze tight to that pain and rejuvenate that anger. After all, you were wronged and dammit, someone has to pay for that! It’s human nature to want revenge and to expect answers.

This is a very crucial time in the healing process, and it is here that a lot of people get stuck. You basically have two choices: you can cling to the hurt and nurse it back to life, or you can let it go. Both options come with their own share of difficulties, but in the long run, letting go is the only answer if you really want to be happy again. Holding on to what was will eventually turn that red-hot anger into a smoldering bitterness that will seep into every moment of every day. I’ve known some bitter people in my life, and that bitterness touches everything. It eats you from the inside out, and taints even the happiest days. Letting go is terribly difficult, but necessary if you want to get on with your life. I struggled with that choice myself for a while, but the bottom line for me was that I wanted to be happy, for me and for my kids. I wanted to find love again, and show my boys that it was possible to be with someone in a healthy, joyful relationship. I didn’t want them to grow up thinking that marriage was a horrible disaster waiting to happen, and I didn’t want them growing up with a mother who thought all men were scum because of what one did. Can you imagine how confusing that would have been for them, since they will BE men one day?  So I took the leap and let go of my anger. I let go of my pain. It didn’t happen overnight, but slowly it got easier, until eventually I was able to forgive my ex-husband and even become friends with him again.

As it turns out, the end of my first marriage was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me. I am happier now than I’ve been in a decade or more, and my kids are thriving. My ex-husband and I work together very well as parents now that we no longer have to deal with each other as spouses and this has been a huge benefit to our children. I have a man in my life who is my partner in every possible way and who means the world to me. The point is none of this would have been possible if I’d chosen to cling to the lie and everything that came with it. I came to a crossroad, and I chose the path that led to my salvation. Which path will you choose?

The Liberation Celebration

When my divorce became final, I decided that I wanted to celebrate my newfound freedom. Out with the old, in with the new…that was my plan. I didn’t want to mourn what was lost. I’d already done that. I wanted to mark the start of a new chapter in my life. So I got a bunch of my girlies together and we hit the town for what I called my Liberation Celebration. In preparation for the night, I bought a special shirt just for the occasion. It said “Kiss Me, My Divorce Is Final!” We went out for dinner, where my friends bestowed upon me a necklace made of condoms, and then we made the rounds of the clubs. Let me just tell you, there was no shortage of kisses that night! I was smooched by a good 15 random dudes or more. Some walked up to me on their own, and some were wrangled into it by my friends. We drank, we laughed, and we acted like teenagers. It was loads of fun, and did wonders for my self-esteem. I felt more alive and attractive than I had in ages and it was fantastic!

Since then, the Liberation Celebration has become somewhat of a rite of passage among my friends. We just had one that was tons of fun, and will likely be having another one soon. As sad as it is that my friends have to go through the trauma and the heartbreak, I think it’s important that they’re able to embrace happiness again and move on with their lives in such a fabulously fun way. I’ve recently purchased a shirt that might just become the signature garment of any future gatherings. The guest of honor can now wear a shirt that says “I’m Not With Stupid Anymore” – I think that says it all! Of course, the “Kiss Me” button, which we graduated to after the shirt,  will still be worn, because really, can you ever have too many kisses? The bottom line is that while one door might be closing in your life, a whole bunch of new ones are wide open and waiting for you to work up the courage to walk through them. It only takes one step. The Liberation Celebration is a great first step, if you ask me, so take it and let me know how it turns out!

Music for the Misused Soul

They say that music soothes the soul. When life hits the skids, sometimes you just need to fire up the Ipod and jam out to some tunes to help cure, or at least calm, whatever ails you. When my marriage turned into Drama Island before we finally called it quits, I had a playlist specifically dedicated to my ex with a whole host of songs. Some were sad, some were sassy, and some were just plain in your face. There’s some of everything - rock, country, soul. Here’s my list, with a brief one-line interpretation beside each song to give you an idea of what kind of message it has. Use any or all of these songs if you need some comfort, some motivation or a swift kick in the pants. And let me know what songs YOU think should be added to the list and why!

1. You Oughta Know – Alanis Morissette - Kiss my ass.

2. Irreplaceable – Beyonce – That’s right - a line’s already forming to take your place!

3. The Power – Snap! – I’m the one in control of MY life.

4. Little Wonders – Rob Thomas – Even at it’s worst, life is full of wonder.

5. She’s Gonna Make It – Garth Brooks – I AM gonna make it.

6. Back In Black – AC/DC – Back and better than ever!

7. Margaritaville – Jimmy Buffett – Who doesn’t feel better listening to this song?

8.  My Give A Damn’s Busted – Jo Dee Messina – I don’t care about you anymore.  

9. Makes Me Wonder – Maroon 5 – You’re such a waste of my time.

10. Not This Time – Fuel – I’m so over your garbage.

11. Bed Of Lies – Matchbox Twenty – The title says it all.

12. U & UR Hand – Pink – Ditto.

13. Psycho – Puddle of Mudd – Wow, do you have issues!

14. Cheatin’ – Sara Evans – Enjoy those pork and beans, baby…

15. Had Enough – Breaking Benjamin – Do you think of anyone but yourself?

16. Before He Cheats – Carry Underwood – Oh, how I’d love to take a Louisville Slugger to your car!

17. Over You – Daughtry – It took a while, but I’ve moved on.

18. Life Aint Always Beautiful – Gary Allan – Sometimes life’s hard, but it’s worth living.

19. Proud – Heather Small – I should always try to be a better person.

20. What Goes Around Comes Around – Justin Timberlake – You’ll get yours – Karma’s a bitch.

21. You’ll Think Of Me – Keith Urban – One day, you’ll miss what you lost.

22. Never Again – Kelly Clarkson – You have no power over me anymore.

23. Good As Gone – Little Big Town – I’m outta here.

24. Rest Stop – Matchbox Twenty – I don’t really care as much about you as I thought I did.

25. Hate (I Really Don’t Like You) – Plain White T’s – No need to explain this one.

26. Stupid Boy – Keith Urban – It’s a shame you’re such an idiot – you lost the best thing you ever had.

27. Leave The Pieces – The Wreckers – Just hit the road - I can take care of myself.

Why We’re Here

This blog is for everyone who’s ever had the rug pulled out from under them and been dumped squarely on their behinds. Over the last couple of years, I’ve watched friend after friend as they were suddenly surrounded by the ashes that used to be their lives. Sadly, most of them were dealing with the end of their marriages, with an unnaturally high number of them ending due to their spouses’ infidelity. But I’ve also had friends who have lost their homes, jobs, or family members to other kinds of tragedy. 

The blog takes it’s name from one such friend whose husband had an affair. After hours and hours of crying, she got good and ass-kicking mad at her husband and started annihilating his model car collection with one of his wrenches. When he saw what she’d done and asked what on earth she was doing, she told him that since he decided to throw a monkey wrench into her life, she was going to throw one into his! That’s the basis for the Monkeywrench Chronicles – figuring out how to work through the pain of whatever’s been thrown at you and taking back control of your life from who or whatever ripped it apart.

All of us who have been through such a traumatic upending of our worlds have something in common - none of us know what to do next. We stand in bewilderment as the dust settles on our personal disasters and we are all trying to figure out what the hell we’re supposed to do now. What people want to know is what comes next – how to move on, how to cope, how to even begin trying to be happy again. My own world exploded 2 years ago when I found out the day after my birthday that my husband was cheating with not one, but 4 different women. When that happened, I was at a total loss, and I looked for help in every possible place I could think of, including the internet. The only thing I found – in books, websites, support groups – was a bunch of sad-sack pity parties that I just did not want any part of. I didn’t want to wallow in the crap my life had become – I wanted to find a way to get out of it! I’ve found my way, but I’m seeing more and more people every day with nowhere to turn because all they hear from everyone is to put on a happy face and just give it time, dear, and everything will be alright.  That’s all well and good, but what do you DO during all the “time” you’re giving yourself? That’s what I wanted to know, and that’s what I’m here to help you figure out too.